:: Sunday, February 20, 2005 ::

So, it has been a year, that is so hard to imagine. The world has gone on, hell, I have gone on...but, my heart still sits in February 2004, waiting for him to come home from work....

still waiting
:: < Tortured > 8:54 PM [+] ::
...

the days creep, the meaning still the same, we go on....


I go on without you and I hate every minute of life.
one more game of tekken
one more bellowing of reeves
one more anything

dad and you, you went so fast, no chance to look back or embrace, it's so unfair...
I hate your god, I hate your rules, I hate much these days

guide me from wherever, look over and send me to what's real and lets focus on that....perpetual motion, perpetual life for no reason other than living....blah
:: < Tortured > 9:20 PM [+] ::
...

With everything else going I hadn't really been paying attention to the actual "date" on the calendar recently. I mean I am aware the "anniversary", for lack of a better term, is coming up. I find it odd albeit natural I suppose that Jeff has crept into everyday conversations of late. It's either his way of saying "Hey remember me" or our way of remembering him. As if we could ever forget. I've been writing some music too which will always bring memories flooding upon me. I miss him so badly and I wonder if that pain will ever go away. I suppose it's supposed to stay there to a degree but it can sit there and fester and keep you from "moving on". Somewhere there is a balance I suppose. Don't think I'm quite there yet.

In some ways I believe I would not be where I am in life in regards to my personal happiness had all of this not happened. Jeff's passing helped me realize some things in my life needed to change. I have and am changing them and it's been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I may never had done anything to set my path on a different course otherwise. For that I am grateful. I still wish him here. More than ever.

Somedays I am grateful and thankful for this. Others I want him here but then things may not have changed. Others I am furious that there had to be an "ultimatum" in first place. Why could I not have Jeff AND realized my life needed changing. Therein lies the true anger I feel from time to time. Perhaps it's simply a shortcoming of human nature. Why must it take a tragedy to make everyone realize some things about themselves and there own life. Perhaps that's the lesson. It's our responsibility to learn from these things. It makes us better people. But it doesn't change the simple fact that I loved and miss my best friend and I want him back.

Thank you my friend for helping me realize some things I needed to change. Even in your final breath you helped me more than you could ever have imagined. I'll be visiting soon. Keep watching over us.
:: Styk 10:44 AM [+] ::
...

So this be where it's at.

I let my brother in law into my life. I save him from jail. I work my ass off to make a difference. I lay my dick on the table....
The only requirement is that he not lie. So easy, just tell me the truth and don't lie, and we will go through everything together....no such luck

Lie to me, fine, lie to my mother......you fucked up. that is it.

now deal with my fury, ask no questions for did you ask for anything different. I told you not to deceive me, that was the only rule...that's what you do though isn't it. lie. lie. lie.

:: < Tortured > 8:32 PM [+] ::
...

kick ass, let someone into your heart, let em in and they fuck you so many different ways. Nothing like some dry anal sex to fix you up!!

:: < Tortured > 8:27 PM [+] ::
...