I sit in darkness, watching the flashes of reflected light. I am below the surface, and I cower like a child. There is comfort in this pain. This might be obsessive. This might be destructive. I have never known perfection, and have serious doubts regarding its existence.

I think people are nearly incapable of being honest with themselves. I sit outside and watch the routine, the constants of pattern. I don't mind if you don't know what you want. But I resent people abusing the feelings of others by lying about it. I think there is a preoccupation with using sex to achieve empowerment over one's insecurities. I condone promiscuity, if there is honesty involved. But is that ever the case? How often are those involved on the same page regarding their views? How often are those involved honest with each other? So why do you lie about it? If you're not ready to commit to one person, then don't. Don't waste the other person's time. Don't lead them on. So where am I going with this? There was this time in my life where I thought I knew where I was going, who I was going to be with, and who I was. But there was this something like a virus, which ate this away from the inside. I don't think I'll ever know what changed her. I don't think I ever really want to. Why she reduced me to a mere fraction of a human, why she planted this seed of self loathing within me, or why I began searching for the vile thing I knew I must be to lose something so important to me. I would have sold my soul to save that future, and I lost whatever self-esteem I had ever possessed. I was empty, and I felt nothing. I hated living with this. The anger was the only reason I was still here. She's gone now, and I don't want her back. I didn't really know who I was anymore. Sometimes I'd try to find out, but so often I ended up hating what I found. I despised everything around me, and held the whole fucking world responsible. I hated myself for knowing what I wanted, if no one else did. I suffer from these emotional jumps, I'm exhausted from waiting. I give up on you. I suppose you'll destroy yourselves. Most of the time I don't care. Most of the time.

Every once in a while, the art of film, using imagery and sound, can touch you in a way that no book ever can. These are a but a few.

Far Away, So Close
Kaze No Tani No Nausicaa
Mononoke Hime
Powder
The Company Of Wolves
The Last Temptation Of Christ
What Dreams May Come
Wings Of Desire

More writings as I manage to post them here. When I get enough posted, I'll organize them in some fashion. For now though, I'm just throwing them up here.

Incoherent Babbling:
Parenting

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This was the signature on an email that had been forwarded numerous times. I think the original sender's name was Chloe Glory Vanima, I don't know who wrote this, if it was the sender or it was a quote. But it caught my attention.

"Be who you are and say what you feel cause the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind. "