:: Sunday, May 26, 2002 ::

COOL!........We look mahvelous!
:: Styk 12:46 AM [+] ::
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Ah, it works!


:: < Tortured > 6:33 AM [+] ::
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:: < Tortured > 6:32 AM [+] ::
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Uh....I hate money...no wait I love money...Um......when I have it...well I never have enough...I hate that...I hate paying for stuff.......I don't like stealing though....Um..I hate needing to buy stuff with money I don't have...but I like needing stuff especially stuff I want and need ..Uh...
:: Styk 7:35 PM [+] ::
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(Jeff + Styk) + (Money = PA Cabs) = Visions Of Passion & Torture

The score for the Armageddon Ball is not a Visions Of Passion & Torture project.



:: < Tortured > 4:42 PM [+] ::
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As for the stlouisgoths list.........the more things change the more they stay the same......frankly it's getting dull as hell anyway.....the flame wars at least make it exciting..
Will I still post?........sure........I don't have a life anyway.....:)
:: Styk 6:44 PM [+] ::
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"Score for the Armageddon Ball"?.........I had no knowledge of this ....I never checked out the flyers...my fault I guess...that isn't the point though...
*sigh*....whatever......my patience is wearing thin......we need to do something as a BAND soon...........issue?...or is it?..........

Perhaps this wasn't supposed to be a combined effort.....I can accept that.....that was always understood...we could branch out and do things seperately.....yet it wasn't even mentioned at all to me by anyone involved...........when I have to hear it like this or read it somewhere else, what should I feel?...the fact that it's not really listed as a solo project and is in fact mentioning the abbreviated name of the band doesn't help my insecurities I suppose....

I am still in a band with great music and is held in high regards in some circles yet most everything to this point I have had nothing to do with....I played a show and co-wrote segue pieces that will never see the light of day....The music that exists is credited to people that obviously didn't give a shit about the project much less the other people involved.....I run around and play the game...people think I am something because I'm in this thing...it's a lie.......I haven't done ANYTHING to warrant that......
at least not enough to matter.....I give a shit..I care about the other people involved......But I have something to prove.......I have something to contribute...I know I am good at what I do..I need to validate my place in this......I can't pretend..it isn't me......

"Trust No One".....
The sad thing is "others" before me planted the seed of distrust and I will always have to deal with it no matter what I do. I hope that we moved beyond that after all this time, but for that reason alone I have nothing but contempt for Rodney and Tom.....there will always be a wall involved in this project to some degree...I realize this doesn't really apply in this situation, yet my feelings regarding the trust issues in the band have crept up on me......it's a personal demon that occasionally comes around to do battle...

I know this is really a non issue...Jeff doesn't have to consult me on anything.......I don't have to consult him...I think.......it just would have been nice to have been asked I guess....

Pity party over........continue......


:: Styk 1:55 PM [+] ::
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They say that it’s been resolved. They say it’s been worked out. Sure. But I don’t feel that way. I still feel betrayed. I keep asking myself why I even care. While I get shoved around, other issues, real issues, come to light. Spoken by others. Not my issues. Our issues. Here today, and here tomorrow. We meet and smile, like a mask, like a lie. So what. Under the skin, beneath the surface, it’s ugly, it leers. Shake my hand, like a politition. Smile, pretend it’s all good. But it’s all ugly. And I wonder if he still believes it, the lies he convinced himself, that tore him up inside. I wonder what has really been resolved. Do I really threaten him so much? I want the same things he says he wants. But does he really want what he says he wants, or is there something else? I don’t know where he thinks he’s going, or what he thinks he’s doing. It looks like nowhere and nothing to the rest of us. I feel like a TV character, who had a fight with someone, but it’s wasn’t real, just like this resolution isn’t real. If I return, nothing will have changed. Nothing will have improved. I’ll be considered just as dangerous as before. So who was this for? Who stood to benefit from this whole thing? And what have they won now? Where I’m sitting, it all looks the same, dead, grey, rut. Going nowhere once again. It’s not my whole world, but what little it may be, I wanted it there. Maybe I’ll just focus on my main projects for now.

Things to do: Get this job I’m trying to get, finish score for the Armageddon Ball, finish updating Visions sequences, get new PA cabs, rehearse, set up show. Simple. Or is it?



:: < Tortured > 4:12 AM [+] ::
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Adventures on The St Louis Goth List

Note for self: Trust No One. Just like they used to say on The X-Files. Meaningless arguments, on-line, off-line. Pointless. Another inflated ego, just like the rest. I seem to recall someone telling me as a child that if you tell the truth, everything will be OK. Yeah, all those ethics that have gotten me nowhere in life. Even now… Yeah, even now. After so much, you just start to see people in a different light. Be strong; don’t let the little things get to you. And that’s just what I did. Call him “friend”. People are different in so many ways. I look back and wonder, “Did I really do this?” But I didn’t. It’s there in black and white, and anyone else can read it. But that’s all there is, there’s nothing else to be done. There’s of course a lot of banter after the fact. Typical posturing, psuedo-intellectual psychobabble as is always the case. And don’t forget the prerequisite mention that they don’t entirely stand on any point. Apathy in its true form. One doesn’t anger the GOD, or one doesn’t get to go to heaven. I don’t know what bothers me more; this, or finding out that the GOD really does believe the lies. I wish, I wish. It doesn’t matter. I’m alone, but for one. The rest, well, for whatever reason, they’ve decided that I did do some degree of wrong, although it varies person to person. I guess they’re afraid of fully supporting me, not that it’s really an issue of support anyway. Words, ego, image. It’s a dog eat dog world after all. Yeah, here’s the knife, carve away. Knock yourself out.

(I wrote this five days ago. I don't know why it took this long to post. Not feeling too motivated I guess.)



:: < Tortured > 3:54 AM [+] ::
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Been working on a couple of songs lately...guess I hit a creative spurt.....keep checking my website..I'll upload them there first as well as Mp3.com...Those bastards are getting real slow about approving songs...Anyhoo....They came out kinda mellow and somewhat personal...but very cool never the less...Yet another departure in style for me..I think "my" sound is everything...hehehe....oh well...........what else?.......Oh yeah I've had like 6 hours of sleep in the past two days....*yawn*...nite..
:: Styk 11:10 PM [+] ::
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