:: Wednesday, February 27, 2002 ::

I had written something today, but the fucking page timed out, and totally lost it. I don't feel like fucking writing it again.


:: < Tortured > 8:56 PM [+] ::
...

So I smoke.....don't give me any non-smoking BS either.
Here's where I'm going with this....In my neverending mission
to find a decent alternative to crappy American cigarettes,I
think I've found a potential candidate..Now for years I had been
smoking the crappy American cigarettes with their 5000 or so chemicals,
and was searching for something else.Having been re-introduced to cloves
by Jeff,I tried all brands and flavors I could find.I am still partial to Djarum
Splash but really I just got burnt out on them.I have no idea what I'm looking
for ,I just know I haven't found it yet.So lately I've switched back to my old
standby Camel Special Lights...I like them...I don't know why,quit lookin for
insight.I tried the Camel Exotic Flavors and frankly aside from the cool tins and
packaging, I was not impressed.If your going to put out flavored cigarettes here's
a clue....include FLAVOR....I also tried all the "Dreams" but they left my throat
feeling like a belt sander ran all over it.....anyway...Today at the smoke shop near
my work I spot three rows of nifty looking packs on a shelf....Strawberry,Coconut,
and Mint...now I can do without the first two but Mint I had to try.....
WOW...VERY NICE!....Minty filter with a nice aroma and mint tobacco......went down
smooth,no hackin' or coughin'..throat feelin' good...I LIKE!..and it's NOT a Menthol.
So I recommend them...they are distributed by Kretek
and no you can't get them at Walgreens...*puff**puff*.
They are called "Liquid Zoo"....Nifty name eh?

P.S. If by chance some underage people are viewing this....go ahead and smoke,
we're all gonna die anyway...they're your parents you deal with it.....and don't go
runnin' to them saying I said it was OK...I don't need the aggravation..this isn't an
encouragement to smoke,it's an encouragement to ENJOY it,however if you do smoke,
it's your right...you just can't buy them legally.. call your congressman and don't bitch
at me...:)

:: Styk 5:00 PM [+] ::
...

Sometimes I think I think too much. Then I think about how I think too much. What I thought was thinking too much about thinking too much, made me think once more about what I thought about it. I think that's too much. I thought I thought too much about thinking, then I later thought that thinking too much isn't too much thinking at all. But I think that thought was thinking too much about the previous thought, so I thought i'd think about it some more. That's what I think.


:: < Tortured > 12:45 AM [+] ::
...

Ok like the last two days sucked!...Last night I come home
and there's no heat...I mean it isn't working at all.And hadn't been
for a couple hours..So after that intitial pain in the ass, I spend like
2 hours tryin to track down a part....Fortunately I knew what was wrong,
so I finally get the heat workin around 10:00PM.THAT was a major pain
and ruined my whole night.Tonight I get home and try to print something
and after 2 hours of troubleshooting I've come to the conclusion I need a new
printer..........YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..

Some good news.........One of my songs was picked for an Independant
film titled "Attack Of The Bathroom Creature"..I signed the release form tonight
and it'll be off in the mail tomorrow.The film is in the final editing stages and should
be done in a couple weeks...I don't get paid but I get screen credit and a copy of the
movie...Nifty I think.:)

Perhaps I'll have a few people over and have a little screening when I get my copy..:)

:: Styk 10:21 PM [+] ::
...

Updated my website....still no content
but hey it looks pretty..........
StykFaktor
:: Styk 12:57 AM [+] ::
...

Since moving to my current residence, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep my general hatred of people under control. I really want to be a good person, and I keep trying and trying. But they broke into Ninaz' car a while back, and now they cut one of my license plates off my car with tin snips or some such tool. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of putting up with the mega ghetto one street over. I'm sick of looking out my back window and seeing drug deals. I'm sick of feeling the need to check on my car every 10 fucking minutes. I'm sick of wondering how you're going to fuck with me next. I'm sick of you making me feel like a stranger in the city I was born in. I'm sick of your attempts to blame me for all of your problems. I'm sick of you making me hate you. I'm sick of the fact that you are undermining my desire to not be a racist. And for this moment, right now, as I type this, I wish you all the evil bad luck the world could possibly throw at you. I wish you would fucking die so I can finally relax for just once in my life.

:: < Tortured > 6:39 PM [+] ::
...

A) Never eat CLAM CHOWDER before partaking in a nite of drinking...
B) Something came up in a conversation last nite that has me questioning
my memory..I'm wondering if it was the booze or that I just don't remember?
Of course I spouted my mouth off and now have this wooky feeling (not the CLAM CHOWDER)
that I may have said something incorrect.This is why I don't "work" well with others...:)
The politics of being human are a built in trap...nice quote for someone...:)
C)The hug I got from Boogie today made it all worth waking up for....
Feelin a bit sappy and mushy...sorry back to your regularly scheduled program tomorrow...
:: Styk 10:31 PM [+] ::
...

I'm tired.......I'm bored....I think I'm tired because I'm bored...
Should I try and sleep?That won't work...it never does.......
I should try and get the mapping to work in Unreal Tournament..
That wouldn't be boring,that would be work..Then again it would
probably be boring too....I don't wanna work...just wanna screw
off....and not be bored....I could go and Deathmatch but then I
would be pissed off,tired,and eventually bored....

I tried to work on a song this evening.....no inspiration hit me
so it's still where I left it the first time....It'll end up being one
of the 20 or so songs I have unfinished....I'm in a rut.I'm tired of
bouncing ideas off myself.......Perhaps bits and pieces
will end up somewhere.............

We need to get this band rollin again.........
:: Styk 9:00 PM [+] ::
...

So I've finally made it to the big time...:)
I'm now a Sim for the whole world to
play with..hehehe..nifty.


:: Styk 9:54 AM [+] ::
...

I started the page for Project Sim : STL tonight. It's a work in progress, and there's not much up yet. I put a link on the site, somewhere. You'll have to find it if you wanna see it. 'Cause it's not finished, see? But if you wanna scour the site for the link, go for it. What the hell, it's something to do.


:: < Tortured > 2:28 AM [+] ::
...

I'm in a mood. Not sure why. I just feel totally and completely unmotivated to do anything at all. No reason. No intent. Nothing. Dead. Wish I could wall myself up away from the world for a week. People around me will take it personal. I wish they wouldn't. It's me, it's all me, it always has been, and it always will be, all in my head. Up, down, and all around. I don't want to move, I don't want to talk, I barely finish my cigarettes, I listen to people tell me that they understand, when I can plainly see that they don't. You're advice won't help me, it's like trying to open an audio file with adobe photoshop. Please stop.

My name is Winston, and I only see three fingers. I want to see four, but I can only see three.


:: < Tortured > 4:34 PM [+] ::
...

I'm standing in a sea of faces. Their hands are on my shoulders, like they're comforting me. But that's not it. I don't think it's comfort, I think it's pity. They smile, and they humor me. At least for a short while. But behind those eyes, they despise me. My words fail me once more, and I fear that in the end, I might find myself alone.


:: < Tortured > 4:37 AM [+] ::
...

New rules to remember: When you think you really know someone, you don't. When you think someone really understands you, they don't. I can count the number of people in this world that I can trust on one hand. So I am wondering lately, how many times should I apologize for myself in order to keep a friendship? Betrayal works in very subtle ways. I'm still facinated by it. Is it always going to be that when someone gets to know you well, that they will use what they've learned against you? Consider the inevitable words laced with venom. The question that haunts me: Are those words used out of blind anger, or calculated malice? The poison words for me, imply that certain understandings between a friend and I are lies. Regardless of the disagreement at hand, does this mean that the entire friendship has been under false pretenses? Have I been humored all this time? And if so, do I want to grovel and beg to return to those pretenses?

I have enough problems to ignore already.



:: < Tortured > 6:22 PM [+] ::
...

Having financial problems...regarding a loan.. still*sigh*.Whoever invented the term "Red Tape" should be shot...It should have been coined for what it really is.."Bullshit"..I'm feeling like this is never going to happen...I'm destined to get nowhere in life it seems...Some slightly positive news..You can file your tax return via the Web here for a small fee....No buying software anymore..:)
Technology Rulez!!!

Styk


:: Styk 5:09 PM [+] ::
...

Kind of a rainy grey day. That's how I like them. I went to Mardi Gras parade yesterday. It was so boring. We left before it was over. I got a slight sunburn. Stupid sun. Why is it that on this one day, it's perfectly ok for women to walk around flashing their breasts, in front of families and their children no less, but on any other day, it's illegal? Unfortunately what was available to view really wasn't a pleasant sight if you know what I mean, and I think you do.


:: < Tortured > 1:25 AM [+] ::
...

Must... customize... before... it's... too... late.
*gasp!*


:: < Tortured > 4:45 PM [+] ::
...

Well.....this is going to Rock!
:: Styk 10:41 AM [+] ::
...

This is how it starts. This is how it ends.


:: < Tortured > 1:51 AM [+] ::
...