Honor Thy Parents

This was originally written as two posts for a thread on parenting in http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stlouisgoths/ on 1/23/2002 & 1/24/2002.
Both posts are included here.

"Honor Thy Parents". How many times, in different churches and different religions have I heard that? Too many. Considering it's been translated thru numerous languages, ancient languages at that, what are the chances we really know what it was getting at? Considering that "The Bible" has been so watered down and distorted through the ages, even if I did believe in a God, how would I know what that was supposed to mean? And beyond that, what exactly does "honor" mean? Respect? Obey? Accept every word and action as absolute truths? "Give Props"? (Hehe)

The word itself is one of those vague words that gets misused and abused, like Silly Putty. "Honor Thy Parents". It should be a simple concept, but with our historical distortion of language, it's not. It's very complex. It's very irresponsible. America has an incredible track record of child abuse in every sense of the word. From using them as maids, to full blown physical abuse. I don't mean that it's specific to America; I just have more experience with America.

Why do people have children in the first place? That seems like a silly question, but how often do people really ask it with the intention of getting an answer? I have made my personal decision to not have children, because I feel I'm too selfish, irresponsible, and I would not want to inflict that on a child. It's my personal choice, neither right nor wrong. But to me, the most important question, as related to this thread, is 'Does bearing a child give you total dominion over that child'? Do you automatically deserve their respect and love, especially to the point of blind obedience? I believe it does not.

There are two types of respect - a general respect given to strangers, and respect that is earned. For example, when I meet someone new, I offer a simple respect of that person as an individual, a person I don't know but will accept an opportunity to get to know. Sort of a simple policy of "I'll give anyone a chance". But that second level of respect, that has to be earned; you don't just get that, even if you are my parent. We're probably all familiar with that phrase "That person gave birth to you, so you owe them". Owe them what? Obedience? Respect? Money? What if my life is miserable? Do I get to owe them blame? Anger? Resentment?

There are many people whose guardians are not their birth parents. There's a lot to it. A lot of different elements to take into consideration before any such open-ended absolutes can be, if they even should be, made. I grew up in a fairly level family, and on the surface, what might be described as a perfect "Brady" family. But there were issues underneath, because no one is perfect. Certain things about my upbringing brought about and provided fundamental contributions that shaped my current mental disorders. From the outside, these things seem insignificant. Yet now they affect my entire life in a negative way. So should I just be blindly grateful? Does this mean my family was dysfunctional? And what exactly makes a family dysfunctional anyway?

Every parent is at some point a new parent. You don't go to school for parenting, you don't need a license to raise a child. You do need a special license to operate a forklift. But not to raise a child. So as a society, we won't just trust anyone off the streets to drive a forklift. But we'll let anyone have children under any circumstances. And in those circumstances, whatever they may be, there is this generalization that we should blindly "Honor Thy Parents". So my question is, to the (hypothetical for the sake of conversation) woman who was raped nightly by her father when she was seven years old, should she openly love and obey her father? Or should she take a bat to his skull? It's an extreme (but not uncommon) example as required by conversation, but quickly gets to the point.

Parents are Human. They make mistakes. A lot of them. Perhaps some should be forgiven, but certainly some should not. I did not turn out like my parents might have dreamed I would. But I don't think I'm a bad person either. I love my parents, but I tell you this - if my parents did not love and accept me as I am, for who and what I am, I would walk away from them forever, and I wouldn't look back. I may be fortunate that I have not had to make that ultimatum, but I know I could, and I would, and I think they know enough about me to also recognize that. My parents are my friends now. I respect them for who they are and how they treat me, not just because they gave birth to me and raised me, especially since I do have some issues regarding how I was raised.

There are some people on this list who have 'disowned' their parents. There are other people questioning their decisions. I think you need to listen to the situation before judging them, not that you have any right to do so anyway. A relationship between a parent and child has two components - The parent, and the child. If there is going to be a relationship past birth, it takes effort from both parties. A parent doesn't just deserve that relationship. Birth merely makes it possible to 'have' that relationship. But like any other relationship in life, you have to earn it. And unfortunately for those involved, too many parents don't. And if a parent drives their child to the point of leaving them forever, then they get what they deserve, if for no other reason than simply taking the child for granted.

There is a mass contradiction is our society's general philosophy. We are often taught that we should think about other people before ourselves. Then we are taught that we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. The truth is, first we have to be totally selfish, to get to where we are happy with ourselves. Then we can consider the rest of the world. If a parent makes a child's life miserable, then that child eventually has to remove that parent from its life, regardless of the parent's feelings. A parent gives life to a child, but that child has to live with that life, and if you as a parent conflict with that life in some way, why shouldn't you be removed like a tumor? Why is that wrong?

Children are brought into this world with so few rights. I had the pleasant opportunity to catch a Judge Judy episode (yeah, I know…) in which a couple had been divorced, and years later the father regained full custody of the children. Out of spite, the mother would not give the children their toys and Christmas presents. However, in one of the coolest rulings I have every seen, Judge Judy said that when the parent gives the child a toy for Christmas, that toy is the property of the child, not the parent, and the parent has absolutely no rights to the toy whatsoever. And the mother was forced to return the toys. I was in awe, because I feel that so often this society abuses children in more subtle ways, simply because we can. Because we're bigger. Because who's going to stop us?

We underestimate the mental development of a child to a near criminal degree. Children in other countries can speak three or four languages fluently by the age of six. At the age of six, my nephew had certain speech impediments because the rest of my family insisted on "baby talk". No wonder the rest of the world looks upon our society as stupid and lazy. But that's enough for a whole separate 30-page essay.

Let me just say this now: I respect my parents now. I believe that there were certain and often specific things that my parents did during my upbringing that were flat out wrong, but I base that on my degree of mental awareness at a young age - My parents hated arguing with me because I was good at it, and they often had to resort to "No because I said so". Anyway, I do respect them now, and I feel that they possess a certain wisdom, that I wish other parents possessed. They didn't always have this wisdom, but when I was older, in my mid twenties, I had some discussions with them about my upbringing, and we spoke of things I disagreed with. However, instead of trying to still prove themselves right, they essentially said 'We were young, it was all so new and often frightening to us, and yes, sometimes we were probably wrong. No one is born a parent, but we did the best we could with what we had.' And that meant a lot to me. That earned my respect. And I honor them, in my definition of that word. See, the key word there is "earned". They earned my respect. Then I told them about the time me and my friends snuck a porno movie downstairs when we were 14. I think I turned out ok!

Here begins the second post.

After reading the posts by Franz and Fiondel, I wanted to make sure everyone understands that in my post I was using extreme circumstances for examples.

While I am not a parent, I have watched, shared, listened, and experienced, from different perspectives, as well as simply spent perhaps way too much time just contemplating the whole thing. Hopefully by sharing my thoughts on the subject, I am not offending actual parents by speaking about a position I do not actually hold. Much of my contemplation brought me to my decision not to have children. What further contributed to that decision was the intense psychotherapy I received last year, during which I had to learn some truths about myself that weren't always very pleasant to learn. But I can say that I have thought about it very strongly, it was not just a rash decision.

Some of what I wrote was more specifically aimed at the point in one's life when they become their own person, and what becomes of the parent-child relationship.

One thing that we as a species often ignore is that each generation, as well as each individual, has it's own set of issues that do not really relate or compare to other generations or individuals. It's easy to say to someone in an upper-class family that their issues and struggles are nothing compared to a homeless person. But I wonder if that's really a fair thing to say. In a generic sense of daily survival, it is true. But what comfort does that actually provide? An issue that drives an individual to extreme measures is not easily resolved by such comparison. A person who suffers a bully in school is not comforted by comparing their problem to starving children in another place who have no opportunity for an education. A child with severe acne is not spared the psychological trauma.

On a more simple level, "saving" a child from the "evils" of Marilyn Manson (or insert your own controversy) is not going to protect that child from real horrors in the world. Often those in a parent/guardian capacity are too easily distracted from real issues, reacting to such momentary media hype, that the role of raising a child becomes a constant act of repression, instead of nurturing and maturing.

If the conversation is prohibited, if the questions are avoided, then the parent hasn't prepared a child for making their own educated decisions. I think that is important, because too many parents spend so much time making their child's decisions for them, instead of teaching them how to make good decisions in the first place. And how many parents make prohibited decisions because they haven't sufficiently taught their child? There comes a point in a parent's life that they need to be able to trust that child. And ultimately, doesn't the ability to trust the child directly relate to the parent's success or failure to teach the child how to make good decisions?

I mentioned in my last post, a wisdom that my parents finally gained, and it relates to Franz and Fiondel's posts. That wisdom is acknowledging that they are not, and cannot be, perfect parents. There is no such thing. But as relating to the child/parent relationship, how many parents can, or will, express that to their child? Especially in the moments such a revelation would provide healing to that relationship. I imagine these situations would most often apply to a disagreement (or argument probably) that has profound meaning to the child. Especially if it involves some form of prohibition. The dreaded "No".

I suddenly realize that I'm kind of writing this backwards. Sorry, I don't really want to rewrite and reorganize the whole thing. But hey, how about those smaller paragraphs!

: )

Tortured

 

The closing remark about smaller paragraphs refers to a friendly constructive criticism I received because I tend to write in a stream of conscious manner. This usually resulted in a 2 page paragraph, which most list members found difficult to read. I reformatted this text when including it here.