Through the summer he underwent intense psychotherapy, medication, and routine blood tests, all the while trying to maintain his day job. All artistic projects were placed on indefinite hold. The website was for the most part pulled down, and replaced with multiple pages consisting of stream of conscious thought, information regarding his physical and mental conditions, and shocking excerpts from a journal he was keeping. The random visitor was assaulted with a brutal confession of his state of mind and loss of control. From rage to desperation and back again, it detailed the way in which his whole world was turned upside-down. Week after week it was continually updated, describing in uncomfortable detail the disintegration of his marriage, the extent of his psychological disorder, the anguish that tore him to shreds, and the final resolution.

Merely weeks before his wedding anniversary, he learned an ironic ugly truth that both haunted him to the core, and eventually provided the closure he feared he’d never find. He learned that his wife had been having an affair with Rodney. The revelation was devastating; the degree of betrayal so great, from both his wife and his band mate, he found himself mere inches away from having himself committed. Having escaped his own self-destruction once before, he recognized the thoughts and emotions that were clawing their way to the surface, and fought hard to avoid that path a second time.

One of the most difficult things he had to face was coming to terms with his disorders, and to accept his own degrees of guilt. When asked to describe that transition, he seems to have a considerably clear understanding and grasp of what he’s achieved inside, which he attributes to the continued therapy.

“I wanted to blame him, her, and everyone around me. But what I had to understand was how I was part of the problem. My condition, and therefore myself, was just as guilty. In the end, I was able to let go, to release my anger towards her, and although I certainly didn’t want to, I accepted that it was over. What made that easier though, is that she did the one thing that I could never forgive, and never forget. After that, no matter how much it tore me up, I could never go back. That was the closure, which I never thought I’d have. In the end, I have forgiven her, because I understand how so much of what happened was equally my fault. The person that will never be forgiven, ever, is Rodney. I understand how she got to where she was, but Rodney wasn’t a part of that. He manipulated her, taking advantage of her vulnerability, and what I will not ever forgive him for, is not at least having the decency to wait until the marriage was completely over. He just couldn’t wait to fuck my wife, and I hate him for that. Not the kind of hatred that you feel for some asshole who cuts you off while driving. The kind of hatred that seethes in you and becomes a part of you. The kind of hatred where you actually want to see that person literally dead. That was a whole new issue I had to deal with and work through. What made a lot of that difficult to get through was that my friends and family couldn’t understand that I could forgive her but not him, that I could be OK with her, but maintain such hatred for him. I realize that they also felt betrayed, but in trying to repair 30 years of really fucked up thinking, that didn’t and still doesn’t help. So I try to avoid those discussions at all costs. But you know the thing that really fucks me up even to this day, is that they don’t, or won’t, understand or accept what’s wrong with me. Not entirely anyway. That’s really hard. But I’m still here. And I’m still learning.”

It was the end of a millennium, the end of a marriage, and the end of friendships. Both Rodney and Tom had cut off contact with Jeff since the beginning of the separation. Rodney for obvious reasons, but Tom was a different story. If we’re to believe the email he sent Jeff towards the end of the year, he was too torn between the two friends, and simply stood aside, taking care of his personal life and other pursuits. But Jeff doesn’t believe that. He believes that Tom and Rodney had additional bonds to their friendship, and he simply chose a side.

It was Styk that proved to be the closest friend, patiently taking care of him, providing emotional support, and simply being there for him. Both Styk and Will Z kept a close eye on him thru the worst, and helped him as he tried to get back on his feet; and Jeff says he probably wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them.

In the early part of 2001 the divorce was final, and the rest of the year would be spent just trying to survive day by day. While almost every other aspect of his life would change, most of the music projects, including the Visions project, would remain in hiatus. He changed jobs, moved from the suburbs to the city, and he also started a new relationship. The relationship would provide him with the foundation from he would try to build his new life, and he is very enthusiastic about it.

In the fall, during the September terrorist attacks, he found himself jobless, as did many others. He managed to get by, working for a local haunted attraction doing sound design, considered to be the first attraction of it’s kind to incorporate sound as one of the main features. Instead of using the traditional scary movie music or stock audio, the customer was confronted with a soundscape equally as terrifying as the visuals. It was loud, intimidating, and established an inescapable experience. It also proved to be inspirational, renewing his desire to return to music, and the decision was made to start the Visions project again.

For the remainder of the year, his focus would be on the seemingly simple task of finding a job. However, due to the change in the economy, this would prove to be a very difficult task, not just for him, but also for anyone facing unemployment during this time. He’s keeping busy though, using the time to prepare for January, when the Visions project would once again become a reality.

The end of 2001 silently approaches. While it’s not the best that things could be, he’s keeping an unusually optimistic view of it, refusing to let things get the best of him. He attributes this outlook to his new relationship. “It’s amazing to me, to have this,” he says, “to even want it after what I went through a year ago. But I DO want it. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Both of us have been through a lot of shit in our lives. We look at our lives up to this point, as the events necessary to make each of us the persons we are right now. We know each other’s pasts; I know who she is and she knows who I am, and most importantly, we accept and respect each other for who we are, and what we want. The best part is that we both want the same things; what more could one hope for?”

The focus has finally returned to the Visions project, and after nearly two years, he’s anxious to return to work. There’s a sort of glimmer in his eyes, a spark of barely contained electricity, and as he discusses the preliminary work required, he can barely sit still. There is an almost child-like excitement that he hasn’t felt in a very long time. His typically negative outlook regarding the music industry as a whole does still exist, but he seems to think of it as an unnecessary distraction for the time being.

He mentions that he has no intention of changing the project, in regards to the sound or the subject matter; that his current relationship actually makes him even more passionate about his writing. He says the stark contrast makes the material more relevant and valid, the impact of his past experiences that much more focused, and his anger and resentment are harsher than ever.

Rene Lanoloy – 2002

You can email Jeff at tortured@passiontorture.com

Credits:

Band Photos:
Jason, ShamanX, Cassie Mason
Header Photo: John Willie

Composite Photo Work: Jeff
Computer Photo Manipulation: Jeff
Graphics & Layout: Jeff
Copyright © 2002 Visions Of Passion & Torture