I’ll admit it. I’ve been cranky. Christmas, jobs, blah, fucking blah. I think everyone is. I hope it just isn’t me because that means I am an asshole.

First sign of the tree going up and bam my mood changes. I mean you have to do it for the kids right?. Right. Well it depresses the fuck out of me anyway. I have always had a dislike for Christmas. I couldn’t even begin to tell you why. The only thing I enjoy out of it is the lights. It’s kind of cool to snuggle up with someone with the room darkened except for Christmas lights making shadows dance on the walls. Other than that I don’t have much use for it. bleh.

Everyone is tired, everyone is stressed and it’s sad because we shouldn’t be. There are too many things still complicating our life to the extent we’re unable to “live” it. I’m so tired of it. I want to take about 8-12 people and move to a secluded island and let the fucking world fall apart. I just don’t care.

Something just came to mind as I write this in the foul mood I’m in…Once again I find myself needing my Father to be here for me and he’s fucking dead. He bailed forever. Times like these I can’t forgive him for giving up because he’s needed. Scares me to think I actually think he was right sometimes. But I couldn’t possibly “give up”. The fucker beat me to it. If I do then the chain continues. And how silly is it I reduce it to that occasionally? Fuck. I haven’t felt this pathetic and miserable in 13-14 years. The memories of those times should be warning me…

*sigh